Yes, I Am a Runner!

I saw this and loved this!  I took me a long time to say "Yes, I am a runner." without cringing or laughing about it.  Even now, I still sometimes make jokes about it.  My reason is because I don't run as far or as long as a lot of runners do.  One of the most frustrating and even hurtful comments/reactions I have had with some people make me feel like I'm not an actual runner.  Usually it goes something like this: "Hey Laura, I heard you're running the marathon!"  "Yes", I reply!  Then they ask, "Oh my gosh, so you run the entire 26.2 miles?"  I then laugh and say, "Oh no, I run-walk-run-walk"  Then they get this almost defeated/disappointed look on their face and say, "Oh."  Or else they'll say, "Oh, well anyone can just walk the whole thing and be fine."  It makes me feel bad because I have worked and trained my butt off to get to where I am.  I don't consider myself less of a runner or copping out because I don't run the entire thing.  I know that I have improvement to make and mentally don't give myself enough credit with what I'm capable of.  I also know that my body has limits.  I think it's safe to say that a lot of runners out there aren't running with an extra 100+ lbs. on their body than they should have.  It's my own fault that I'm the weight and size I am.  I take full ownership for that.  Give me a break though!  At least I'm out there and trying to better my situation.  So no, I'm not running the entire marathon, straight through.  I do well the first chunk and can run a lot but, by the end it will come down to just keeping my body moving.  It'll be a lot of running .25 and walking .25, just to get my body to the finish line.  But, on a positive note, I can brag that I do have a pretty fast walk!  LOL!

Another Milestone Reached!

Today I hit a new milestone in my journey to lose weight and become healthier!  I can happily and excitedly say that I am officially down 61 lbs. since I started this journey!!!!

The Person Who Starts the Marathon is NOT the Same Person Who Finishes!

I LOVED this and had to post it!  It's interesting as what started out as a bucket-list item has become more than that and has taught me so many things.  I'm definitely NOT the same person I was when I started this journey.  Many things I like about myself and the person I've become.  However, there are also things that I don't like about myself.  Some of the things that need to change, after the marathon is done, is I need to put more focus on my family and my husband.

My family and husband have been the ones who have sacrificed through all of this.  Sometimes it hasn't been a big deal.  During the week, I'm always gone to the gym while everyone is asleep and no one knows I'm gone.  However, on Saturday's, we haven't really done much.  My Saturday's don't just start Saturday morning.  They start Friday, sometimes as early as 8:30pm, because I have to be up at 3:30am or 4:00am.  So, we haven't done any camping, or many weekend get-aways like we usually would because my answer is always, "No, because I have to run Saturday morning."  I knew and they all knew it was part of the process but, it gets old for them after a while, and even for me here and there.  When I get home from run, it's usually anywhere from 9:30am-11am.  When I do get home, I'm EXHAUSTED and sore often.  There are many times that adrenaline is running high and I'm chipper and moving around.  Once it runs out though, I'm wiped out!  I usually take a shower and then head to bed for a few hours to try and rest and get some of my energy.  But, then I get up and I'm stiff as a board and can barely walk.  

The house has been neglected.  I always clean here and there through the week but, not too much because I know that the destroying angel (my kids) will attack my house.  Saturday's have always been my deep-cleaning days because I love going to bed on Saturday nights with a clean house and wake up on Sunday morning to a clean house.  Well, that has not been the case for many months.  I just don't ever have the energy or motivation to do it on Saturday's so, I'm very embarrassed about the way my house looks.

I know that through all of the things I've neglected, I remember most why I did this and what and who I've become because of all of this.  I've become more healthy, I'm losing the weight that is holding me down.  I'm learning to commit and stick with something, and see it through, even if it's the hardest thing I've ever done.  I'm learning about myself and what areas I need to really improve.  I still have a long ways to go on improving myself.  Mentally, I am very weak, and need to be SO MUCH stronger.  That is a process that will go on forever.  Physically, I've gone so far but, nowhere as far as I still have yet to go.  I STILL need to lose another 80-100 lbs. to get to my goal weight.  I don't think about that often because I look at how hard I've worked to lose the 57 lbs. I've lost so far.  To think I have 80-100 lbs. more is EXTREMELY overwhelming to me!  I was hoping and thought I'd for sure lose 10 lbs. a month, which would've put me at nearly 100 lbs. weight loss right now!  Can you imagine?  I think my running performance would be SO MUCH better if I didn't have as much weight on me as I do. Unfortunately, that hasn't been the case.  It's frustrating as HECK and makes me cry if I think about it too much.  So, I have to remember where I've been, how far I've come, and be happy with at least that much.  Spiritually, I've realized how much I rely on my Heavenly Father!  I can't even begin to tell you how many times I catch myself praying to Heavenly Father during my long runs.  Sometimes I want to lay down on the road and just cry but, that little voice inside me just tells me to keep moving.  I pray A LOT!!!  None of this has been possibly without the help of my Heavenly Father!

18-Mile Assessment

Yesterday, Amber, Brian, Jocelyn, and I ran HWY 18 again.  Brian and Amber ran 20 miles and Jocelyn and I ran 18 miles.  That put us a couple miles before Veyo hill.  I want to give an honest breakdown of my run so I can learn from it and then not ever repeat it again.  

I woke up the morning of the run but, this time I was simply not in a positive, go-getter mood about it.  In fact, I just DID NOT want to do it!  Normally, when my alarm goes off in the too-wee hours of the morning, I am dragging but, not outright not wanting to do my run.  It's more of a feeling of hating to be awake so early and nervous about the run but, also anxious and ready to get out there and get the run going and see what kind of a run I can have.  Even though I didn't want to do the run yesterday I thought going and doing it was better than not going and skipping out on an important training run.  So, Amber Sheffield kindly dropped all of us off (as well as Autumn Cluff, because her running partner was injured and couldn't run) at our specific spots.  The weather was beautiful, stars everywhere.  I was afraid we'd have rain, thunder, and lightning but, it was fairly clear.  We started our run and everything felt fine.  I felt good, energized, and was running on track.  Then, Veyo hill came and started my speed-walk up the hill.  About 1/2 way up the hill I noticed I was not breathing well and my legs were extremely tired already.  However, I didn't listen to my body and I pushed myself harder, just so I could get that hill over with.  Well, I wasn't quite to the top, didn't have good control of my breathing, and hyperventilated, which then set my asthma into high gear.  And, once I have those things happen, it messes with my stomach and I get pretty sick.  I had my inhaler and took it but, it was too late for that.  By that time, I couldn't run very well because my stomach was flip-flopping all over the place.  I was probably only 3-4 miles into my run.  Then, I threw up.  So, off I kept trudging.  I would try to run but, my body didn't react well to that.  I tried taking my energy chews but, my stomach didn't react well and, I threw up again and one other time after that. Somewhere near mile 6, Amber and Brian caught up with me.  I was SO GRATEFUL to see them.  For some reason, when I'm struggling on the run, it always peps me up to see someone I knew.  So, we stuck together until we hit our 2nd water drop at mile 6 for me & mile 8 for Amber and Brian.  We took a few minutes to have our water and gatorade and breathe.  It was a good break for me.  I even got to see a couple ladies (Heather & Danyelle) that I've made friends with, after seeing them on our Saturday runs multiple times.  We got back on the road.  I stuck with Brian and Amber for maybe 30 seconds and then I had to walk again.  I was walking as fast I could go. I even got to see a tarantula!  I would try running here and there and the usual places that I can run without a problem, I really struggled and fought through.  Just past Diamond Valley, shortly after our 3rd water drop, at our 10 miles, it started to sprinkle.  It felt very good but, I was also worried about having a repeat storm from a few weeks before.  So, I got my butt into gear to outrun/walk the storm.  This was in between Diamond Valley and the Snow Canyon overlook.

By this point, I remember thinking I was SO BURNED OUT for the day!  I even made the weak move of calling my friend Cheryl and asking if she would come get me.  Being the kind of friend she is, she said something to the affect of, "Laura, I would be more than happy to come get you.  You know that that is going to mess up your training though.  You make the choice."  I'll admit that at the time I was mad and ticked off that she would say that.  I didn't want to hear that and I wanted the easy way out.  However, now that I'm in my right mind and can think without emotions, I know that she said and did the right thing for me and what I needed.  So, THANKS Cheryl!  I love you for being frank with me because that's what I needed at that moment.

So, I cried for a few minutes as I continued on.  Then, I got over it and tried to get going as fast as I could do.  I knew that it wasn't going to be pretty but, I was going to do the best that I could do, which wasn't much.  So, I put little goals in my head.  For example:  If you I can make it to the overpass at the Ledges, then you can stop at the overpass and have a break.  Just things like that.  So, I made it there.  I stopped and started to cry some more.  I was SO TIRED and WEAK and my stomach was a mess.  Right then, I heard my phone ringing.  I wasn't going to answer it but, I changed my mind.  On the phone was my friend Brittney.  She wanted to know how my run went for the day.  Once again, being the emotional mess I was, I began bawling and tried to explain how I was feeling.  Brittney calmly, yet sternly, told me that I was GOING TO FINISH!  We talked about how speed wasn't the concern right now.  Right now, we needed to focus on my breathing, getting it under control, and then just finishing as strong as I could.  Just one foot in front of the other.

At around 3 miles left, I rounded the corner and happened to see Kristine Sewell, who goes to church with me.  She was there to pick up her husband, who was also running the marathon route.  I stopped and said hello to her and even kept my composure and didn't cry.  What was even harder for me to do was to not ask for a ride back down to my car.  I wanted to so bad because I was really DONE at this point and just wanted to curl up into fetal position, cry, and then go to sleep, ha ha!  But, I didn't give in, said goodbye, and off I went again.  

My next sign of weakness came when I realized that Brian and Amber would be driving up at any minute, to go pick up our bags from the water drops.  I thought to myself, "Hey!  I know they'll stop and see how I'm doing, and then I'll just hop in there car."  So, I watched for car after car to come.  Finally, I see them and guess what?  No luck for me, they didn't stop.  Ha ha!  Then I thought, "Well, I bet they'll stop for me on their way back down."  So, I continued going.  At about a mile and a half to 2 miles away from the end, I saw them.  Well, they didn't stop.  Instead, true to Brian form, he was waving wildly from the car and woo-hooing, I think!  Ha ha!  I didn't have any woo-hoo in me so, I just waved.  So, of course, I cried some more!  Again though, looking back with a clear mind now, I am SO GLAD they DIDN'T stop because, I would have felt even worse about the run, knowing I was so close and didn't finish.

Shortly after that, my friend Brittney called again.  She wanted to check in, make sure I was ok.  I had just around 3/4 of a mile left, I could see the blinking lights that warn you that a stop light is ahead.  I knew I was close.  I just had to finish.  I was pretty ornery, as you can imagine.  I just kept a going and FINALLY made it to my car.  I opened the car and just kind of fell onto the drivers seat and cried and cried.  An old lady, that was there cleaning the church, came up to me (scared me TO DEATH) and asked if I was ok.  I told her I was, just tired!  She smiled and told me to hang in there.  What a sweet lady!  Then I drug myself up into my seat, cried a minute more, then headed home.  First, I called Brittney back, to let her know I was done.  Then, I called my Dad, to talk him through what happened.  As I was talking to my Dad, I pulled up in the driveway and below is what I saw:

Talk about thoughtful and kind and caring!  Brittney and her husband, JJ, had come over to my house and did this for me!  They even talked to Mike, warned him what kind of run it had been, and just kind of gave him a heads up.  Smart people, ha ha!  So, when I walked in the door, all the kids gave me hugs, told me they loved me.  Next, I saw Mike and he just wrapped his arms around me, told me he loved me, was proud of me, and asked if I was ok?  Then, he proceeded to make me a breakfast that included eggs, turkey-bacon, and toast!  Then, he told me to shower and then head to bed.  Mike was EXACTLY the kind of hubby I needed him to be!  He knew I just needed some space and some rest and I would be ok.  So, I showered and it felt SO GOOD!  Then I climbed into bed and zonked out.  That was around noon.  Next thing you know, I get woken up at 5pm and Mike was taking me on a date!

What I learned from this run is #1:  I cannot use all of my energy on Veyo Hill or I WILL NOT make it the rest of the marathon.  After Veyo Hill, I still have 19-ish miles to go!  I also know I have to make a different game plan.  Since I cannot attack Veyo Hill the way I originally planned, I will have to go slower, which means I have to make up the time in other areas.  So, I need to take advantage of the areas where I am going downhill or feeling good and make sure to run AS MUCH if not ALL of that as I can.  Also, I DESPERATELY need to work on my breathing pattern on Veyo Hill.  I used to struggle in other areas but, am doing so much better.  However, Veyo Hill is a different animal.  I really need to count in 3 out 3, or at least in 2 out 2.  I have to be smart!  I also learn that I CANNOT let my emotions and mind get the best of me or I am for sure done!!!!  I needed this run, as much as I hated it, to happen right now.  I would rather it happen now, then to happen the day of the race and look back with regret and I-shoulda'-coulda'-woulda's forever!  I'm also grateful for the moments of this run where little temptations and obstacles came upon me, that I really had to decide and dig deep to find out what I wanted.  And thank heavens Amber and Brian didn't stop because I think I would've given in!  Ha ha!